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On 7/2/2019 at 3:14 PM, thatsnotmypuppy said:

I saw a poster today for the new Spider-man film this morning that showed Jake Gyllenhaal.  I didn't know he was still a movie thing?

ok so i guess we have to talk about this now because i am not about to think up amusing things to say about winches, other than it rhymes with binch and that is my favorite word of all time. 

where to begin.

his IMDB is black because of this spiderman movie and it's making it hard for me to read. apparently, JG is still a thing.

but hasn't he always been? krow investigates.

CITY SLICKERS (1991) - i legit did not know he was in this ?? was there a kid in it or something? it's been decades since i've seen it. maybe i should watch it again (i'm not going to watch it again).

OCTOBER SKY (1999) - this movie is so overrated. i blame baby boomers and their stupid, idiotic space obsession for its success. space has some legit uses (satellites) but boomers fetishize it to an uncomfortable degree. i feel bad for them but not for jake who used it to catapult himself into fame.

DONNIE DARKO (2001) - the rabbit scared the **** out of me. jake, i know everyone loved this movie, but the rabbit scared the **** out of me.

THE GOOD GIRL (2002) - who could not come away from this movie without a massive crush on jake? i loved him. i love good girl jake more than any other jake in the world. i like catcher in the rye too jake have an affair with me jesus.

THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW (2004) - jake was in this idiocy that i saw in the theater and it's riddled with dumb plot holes. i can't remember how hot he was in this but a youtube clip of him being afraid of flying on a turbulent plane confirms he was bonable but his styling (+ eyebrows) was too ben affleck. would still go down on him while we're going down though. 

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN (2005) - oh i just realized jake is an actor who can act. that had never been apparent to me before. ang lee brings out the best in any actor but he almost does the impossible here with jake making him a very good and believable actor, somewhat miraculously. now, you may think heath is hotter in this movie or maybe you like jake more. it doesn't matter. if you're gay (and if you're reading this, you're probably gay) then you identified with jake in a pretty big way during his arc. you know you did. we've all been there. most of the credit for this movie being well done goes to ang lee but jake pulls his weight and his accent is lol ridiculous but kinda hot. it's hot. i have to stop writing about this movie. GOOD WORK, JAKE!!!!!

ZODIAC (2007) - i love this movie if for no other reason than chloe sevigny of kids and american psycho and big love fame is married to jake and i ship them so hard. OK, so the movie is riddled with inaccuracies (did i already use the word riddled earlier? i'm not going to check) but it's a fun ride RDJ give it his all. and who is Z? we'll never freaking know and that's frustrating. also, some of the scary scenes were dumb. this isn't really a thriller but david fincher um tried at least. why not, a solid B there jake, bet you got paid bank.

LOVE & OTHER DRUGS (2010) - blew off work one day by telling everyone i had a work appointment even though my job did not involve going to appointments. it was fine in a sappy kind of way. jake left no impression on me sadly, though anne and josh gad did. he was kind of a sleezeball with a big heart. i don't know jake. at least you had some sexy scenes. and you have that face. no matter how boring the movie is, at least we the viewer can take comfort in that face. 

ENEMY (2013) - this movie scared the **** out of me. when i saw it like 2 months ago i wikipedia'd it and it was apparently a metaphor for dictatorship rule. that was, no, that was stupid. and there is literally like 4 pages of dialogue in the whole thing. you have to read between the lines a lot, which is annoying because jake played two characters. he does not age btw. he literally does not age. 

NIGHTCRAWLER (2014) - this movie scared the **** out of me. i was not expecting that. it was very graphic. jake was repulsive and compelling. this is also a movie that does not think very highly of los angeles. i thought i was going to throw up when he was filming one of the murder houses cinema verite style. least bonable jake i would have to say. 

i have not seen any other jake movies and i refuse to write his last name which is gyle -- oooh i'm losing it here, have to check imdb -- gyllenhaal. but tbh i've seen a lot more jake movies than i would have guessed before i started writing this. 

i'm glad i brought back GB so i could do this again. this was fun. wasn't this fun? this was fun. 

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City Slickers - maybe he is Billy Crystal's son? Dunno. Jack Palance did not deserve his Oscar for this.

October Sky - my younger sister loved this but I never saw it.

Donnie Darko - one of my favourites - mainly for the season where he tells off Patrick Swayze.  Also Drew Barrymore is in it and I could watch her in anything.

Bubble Boy - DOWNLOAD THIS NOW!!!!! It is amazing!

The Day After Tomorrow - I base my entire stand on global warming from this film. The science is legit? right?  Also I'm paranoid at the beach that I'm actually in a dystopic Truman Show-esque fiuture and that I may be walking over a glass roof of a mall that is long buried... who knows.

Brokeback Mountain - the most passionless movie about forbidden love ever. Still... Michelle Williams...

Jarhead - one of my favourite books.  It is an OK adaptation but not great.

Zodiac - Ugh - the scene where they tie up the kids at the lake and go all stabby.  No.

Rendition - I think I saw this? Robert Redford? Can't be bothered googling it.

Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time - A guilty pleasure. Just awful. Not as bad as Assassin's Creed though.  Oof.

Love & Other Drugs - I was kind of bored by this - but like you enjoyed Josh Gad.

Source Code - Jake as a comatose mutilated ex-soldier!  Not as many laughs as the premise suggests.

Prisoners - this film was a f*cking drag. 

Nightcrawler - I thought he did well here and deserved the Golden Globe nomination.

Everest - I love movies about mountain climbing - mainly because there is f*ck all chance I'll ever do it and it takes a certain kinds of craziness to look at a huge arse mountain and go - I'll climb that. Shithouse film though.  Who keeps giving Jason Clarke work?

Okja - this film is about a huge pig thing. Jake does not play the pig. Good fun!  Also it is like a vegan porn film - you know - meat is bad. Blah blah blah.

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A current thing. He went all art house and doing Broadway. When I looked up his filmography I too was surprised by how much Jake related films I had watched.

Maybe this is his career renaissance.  The last Spider-Man film did some good for Michael Keaton.

Speaking of MK - I watched Batman Returns again recently and was kind of shocked by how dark it was. I'm surprised Tim Burton got away with it.

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jake is insidious like that. he just works his way into our lives so that when i see a jake movie on kanopy* i'm like, sure why not, jake's cool. at worst you know he'll be jake gyllenhaal and at best he'll be jake gylenhall. 

now maggie otoh. don't know much about her. she was in the dark knight, donnie darko, great new wonderful playing herself or some nonsense and the kindergarten teacher. she was out of her mind. i was yelling. maggie, STOP. kidnapping is fine but why would you teach kindergarten?? it's a thankless job with low pay!!

*u have no idea what kanopy is do you? crazy. it's like we're not even speaking the same language. you're all "i'm going to hungry jack's" and i'm all "it's burger king, your name is stupid."

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Maggie is a goddess.

Stranger Than Fiction is worth your time. I know - Will Ferrell is in it - but I counter that argument with the fact Emma Thompson and Dustin Hoffman are in it also. Thus it is safe for your visual consumption.

Maybe we should discuss the Pet Shop Boys. I've been listening to a lot of their stuff recently. As an American I'd expect your knowledge of their ouvre to be somewhat limited - however your flamboyance in other areas leads me to believe you may be into it.

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