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Eurovision.


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i've decided to watch all the eurovision videos and share my thoughts in this otherwise dead thread, which is usually like 29 pages by now. i'm going to watch TBF's picks and then the picks from the countries i've heard of.

first of all san marino was AWFUL just dreadful how unlistenable. don't they know disco is never coming back for good reason? second, the guy didn't sing. he whispered "i didn't know" a hundred times in an unsexy accent. i think there's only like 12,000 people in san marino but i think you could probably find a better singer flipping through the phone book.

belgium. this is a much better song than san marino's and i'm not just saying that because i feel bad for belgium. i saw the tv show salamander and i will never feel bad for beligum ever again. they're shady af. the song is fine. it mostly borrows beats and catchy horn sections straight out of more popular songs, which, let's face it, bigger careers have been built from less. however, i somewhat take back what i said before about not feeling bad for belgium. i do feel a little bad that they are forced to endure such mediocre pop stars representing their entire country who would never make it past the hollywood round in american idol. popstars are the USA's gift to the world. cherish them, support them, fill your tumblr feed with their gifs. and maybe raise enough money to send poor laura tesoro to physical therapy school. it's a promising plan B, laura.

armenia. this is a boring song that's made much worse by a terrible music video. it's like the director figured out how to layer multiple video clips in final cut and went a little crazy with it, like when george lucas discovered those annoying abrupt wipes of his. it looks ridiculous and her voice isn't good enough to shout for half the song. i did like when they silhouetted her body and did the lightning. the whole video should have been that.

moldova. i didn't like it. she looks like nikki hilton and like donald trump's next wife. also: enough with the fan-in-hair effect. it's obvious that little moldova didn't spend a lot on this song & cheap video. sad, low energy, poor marco etc.

serbia. this sounded/looked more like an american idol top 24 performance, because the producers at that point are still seeding the list with "alternative" looking singers nobody expects to win. although on AI, the performance would have been to a better song and, mercifully, would have ended at 2 minutes.

ukraine. i have no idea if this song is in english or not, which offends my american sensibilities, but if it is i'm pretty sure she's singing about coming to my house and killing me out and everyone dying. apparently things are so bleak in ukraine that even their escapist entertainment is basically admitting that russian soldiers are coming to your house to burn it down. i really think this could be the song to break putin.

bosnia. it's amazing what you can film with an iphone 4 in some rich oligarch's house, but this has to lose points for not even being in english. but it makes them up with bosnian rapping. yes!

poland. i swear to god i am going into every eastern european and caucasian country and taking away their effect fans. even though, if you have michał's cool hair like he does.

russia. i thought the video was cool and the song was appropriately euro-clubby. the song is called "take it off" and, spoiler, they take it off. ukraine is singing about death and invasion and political strife while russia is singing about getting ass naked in a spinning cube with magic changing clothes. hell yeah 12 points.

france. better than bosnia's! still, an overall weak effort. but i must know everything about AMIR. is he a popstar in france? he looks more polished than the rest of these mostly terrible singers. and his video was a very solid entry in the youtube-budget indie genre. i don't see how this was any worse than the eastern block entries that are supposedly on top.

denmark. i wasn't going to watch this dumb song because it's denmark (lol), but i saw it was 3 gay guys so i figured, oh that's kind of cool. (i've seen it three times now btw). the song is called "soldiers of love" which is especially funny because i can't imagine a danish (lol) soldier for the life of me, what would they do all day? but the one with the beard has really dreamy eyes and he asked me, krow, to take his hand and never let go and i really can't refuse a request like that when he asked so nicely and his eyes kind of smile if you think about it, and they're the perfect brown, which is not too dark but not too light that they look almost yellow like russia's guy (i hate those).

australia. the literal sound of silence for 3:07 would have been better than this. still my favorite european country though.

final thoughts: give it to russia, obviously. and i really hate that future master's in physical therapy holder class of 2019 laura tesoro's stupid song is stuck in my head. **** her annoying fanned hair and her michael jackson horn section. if i ever blow out my knee, laura, i promise i will let you guide me through my aqua-aerobics. anything to keep you away from pop music.

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  • 1 month later...

mark, see below where laura addresses the queen/fleur east "controversy" .... watch, then see below for sebastian's notes.

(it's not embedding up here for some weird reason, so it's below. it starts at 4 mins exactly)

sebastian would have (and i realize this is kind of JKR where i'm speaking for characters here) thought the first part of that answer was perfectly appropriate, and probably would have written that word-for-word. "you put some trumpets and a bassline and basically every song sounds the same" (paraphrase). now, the second part? sebastian would have thrown a bigger hissy fit than when he discovered laura was cheating on her paleo diet with fried shrimp when she MENTIONED the songs by name. i think a little bit of the magic of sebastian died a little when those words came out of IRL laura's mouth.

and then when she gave the money quote "if it sounds the same, that's because it is" -- i think you can envision sebastian writhing around the floor foaming at the mouth, going into epileptic shock. yes, she recovered it slightly after that, but sebastian would never give a journalist a money quote because the sabrinas of the world distort them out of all context. that is a chopped up headline quote right there. "laura tesoro: my eurovision funk song 'sounds the same' as fleur east's sax" -- boom, clickbait.

awful, just awful. i mean, is it laura's fault because she doesn't have people around her to hire a sebastian? because she's 19 or 20 or whatever and is refreshingly honest in that i'm-19-and-invinsible kind of way? no, not really. here's what sebastian would have told her to say after the excellent intro.

"you put some trumpets and a bassline and basically every song sounds the same. i've heard people say it sounds like michael jackson or other 70s funk songs, and to me that's a huge compliment. it sounds very different from those songs, of course, but it means that people are hearing in my song something that reminds them of all the great funk classics they love. it's a tribute and a throwback and it's connecting with people in a big way."

i'm editing this, upon further reflection, to add that sebastian is certainly cynical enough to try and work in a prince reference somewhere in that answer, although i don't have the time or the inclination to work out how since laura is not actually paying me to waste every day of my life thinking about her. sebastian would have realized that mentioning prince, at this specific time, would be a stratospheric money quote for headlines, the journalists would have lapped that up like robyn at an orgy, and it would have turned the answer laura gave from a D+ to a solid A.

and then we would have drilled that answer about 40 times a day for three weeks.

Edited by laura tesoro
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mark, see below where laura addresses the queen/fleur east "controversy" .... watch, then see below for sebastian's notes.

(it's not embedding up here for some weird reason, so it's below. it starts at 4 mins exactly)

sebastian would have (and i realize this is kind of JKR where i'm speaking for characters here) thought the first part of that answer was perfectly appropriate, and probably would have written that word-for-word. "you put some trumpets and a bassline and basically every song sounds the same" (paraphrase). now, the second part? sebastian would have thrown a bigger hissy fit than when he discovered laura was cheating on her paleo diet with fried shrimp when she MENTIONED the songs by name. i think a little bit of the magic of sebastian died a little when those words came out of IRL laura's mouth.

and then when she gave the money quote "if it sounds the same, that's because it is" -- i think you can envision sebastian writhing around the floor foaming at the mouth, going into epileptic shock. yes, she recovered it slightly after that, but sebastian would never give a journalist a money quote because the sabrinas of the world distort them out of all context. that is a chopped up headline quote right there. "laura tesoro: my eurovision funk song 'sounds the same' as fleur east's sax" -- boom, clickbait.

awful, just awful. i mean, is it laura's fault because she doesn't have people around her to hire a sebastian? because she's 19 or 20 or whatever and is refreshingly honest in that i'm-19-and-invinsible kind of way? no, not really. here's what sebastian would have told her to say after the excellent intro.

"you put some trumpets and a bassline and basically every song sounds the same. i've heard people say it sounds like michael jackson or other 70s funk songs, and to me that's a huge compliment. it sounds very different from those songs, of course, but it means that people are hearing in my song something that reminds them of all the great funk classics they love. it's a tribute and a throwback and it's connecting with people in a big way."

i'm editing this, upon further reflection, to add that sebastian is certainly cynical enough to try and work in a prince reference somewhere in that answer, although i don't have the time or the inclination to work out how since laura is not actually paying me to waste every day of my life thinking about her. sebastian would have realized that mentioning prince, at this specific time, would be a stratospheric money quote for headlines, the journalists would have lapped that up like robyn at an orgy, and it would have turned the answer laura gave from a D+ to a solid A.

and then we would have drilled that answer about 40 times a day for three weeks.

Yup. Full marks to Laura for honesty, but nul points for musical expertise, tact etc.

[and if anybody had a bet on me using the term "nul points" in this response- you're welcome]

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the tact was totally absent. honesty has no place in pop music and sebastian would have slapped the truth right out of her dutch little mouth. if she's going to copy an american music style song, she really needed to speak to an american, who would have told her to play up MJ and prince and the great funk classics that get us all dancing at weddings.

nevermind the fact that through my pathetically extensive research for my screenplay (still in progress) i learned that her song was technically written before "sax". that might have been a good point to bring up there, laur.

don't tell them "yeah my song was basically copied from those other ones but oh yeah it's different."

god, sebastian would have hit her hard in a place where it wouldn't leave a visible mark for that one. but then again, sebastian would have never let that happen in the first place. she was poorly coached.

in another lifetime laur could have actually had a shot at this thing :/

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16. You will leave our Austrio-Asian goddess the h*ll alone.

SHE IS A NATIONAL TREASURE ON PAR WITH... UM... A LESS FAMOUS HEMSWORTH OR A LESSER MINOGUE. OR LIKE THE OTHER GUY FROM SAVAGE GARDEN. NOT DARREN HAYES. THE OTHER ONE. DANIEL JOHNS? DANIEL JONES? DUNNO - BUT HE SELLS CONDOS IN VEGAS THESE DAYS AND LIVES OFF THOSE SWEET, SWEET 'TRULY MADLY DEEPLY' ROYALTIES.

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your disloyalty to laura is duly noted. when the revolution comes, you will be first against the wall.

(a lesser minogue lol. i've got more talent than a lesser minogue.)

I'm assuming that in the grand final Dami and Laura will realise the futility of competing against each other and will put aside our traditional Belgian - Australian hostilities and form a tAtU style sapphic duo and slay everyone.

Obviously.

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In the unlikely event of a win and we actually get to host it. Have it in Melbourne. You have two choices, Etihad Stadium (at 50,000+) or Rod Laver Arena (at around 15,000).

Since we're so multicultural with many European clubs/institutions/restaurants etc. You can have live shots/feeds from such venues.

Perhaps the Hungarian club will have a cameo, or the Swiss Club at Burke Street. Maybe a stopover at the Hofbrauhaus? The Croatians have a venue in Footscray. The Poles have several clubs, there's one in Sunshine. And so forth.

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You'd need a 5am start - not exactly ideal. But Melburnians are a determined bunch, if they want something, they'll certainly try to get it. Failing that, why not London? Common language, much shared culture, great city, you could draw on the BBC's expertise, & there's thousands of exiled Aussies there. What's not to love?

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You'd need a 5am start - not exactly ideal. But Melburnians are a determined bunch, if they want something, they'll certainly try to get it. Failing that, why not London? Common language, much shared culture, great city, you could draw on the BBC's expertise, & there's thousands of exiled Aussies there. What's not to love?

Nah. I'd still like the idea of simply having a poll. You have all the EBU nations eligible and the people of OZ can vote on any place they wish to have it staged. It's up to that nations' broadcaster and government to accept this invitation, otherwise it will go to the the nearest runner up who accepts.

I want to see absurd cities hosting! Of course, there should be some ground rules, the host city must have a venue of X capacity (like 10,000 minimum) and so forth, but otherwise, we can have a whole bunch of absurd entrants in the "bid" race!

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the maltan just rubbed her stomach intimating that she's preggers. genius. back to laura, i could totally see sebastian telling laura to announce a fake pregnancy after her song during the "thank you" moment to get sympathy votes and twitter buzz.

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